Declare Love Not War: Part 1

I'm keenly aware of the fact that whatever I think could very well be banal attempts at achieving any sort of clarity with the world I've been placed in. I understand that anything I say could make me sound like I'm completely full of shit and I'm becoming okay with that. Because my person is not built around the facade of being "right" and having the correct answers. Not really anymore.

In recent years, I have trusted in the idea that if someone holds the bible in their hand tells me something that sounds semi-rational then it must be from God. This has been a curious position to hold among someone who has spent the majority of their life reading the perspectives of such a diverse range of thinkers from Foucault to Berkely to Sartre to Hume to C.S. Lewis. So why would I think to make conclusions based on a very small isolated group of people that hold up the bible and shout out their interperetations as the ultimate authority of truth. It has brought me to a place of drawing very broad conclusions based on very little data. It has caused me to give very point-blank, black & white answers to very gray questions. Most importantly, it has caused me to draw lines in the sand and declare war in places where it was absolutely unnecessary and even harmful to do so.

What the hell am I talking about? Using Christ as a weopon. Taking the bible and interpereting it in order to fit your personal worldview. I am not saying that I don't do that or that it's right or wrong, because right and wrong is a lot more subjective than most people realize. I am just saying that it happens, everywhere. Some of the most popular instances of this happen to do with homosexuality. Yeah, at the surface, if you're a christian it seems to be a concrete issue, Homosexuality is unnatural and wrong, right? It distorts God's original design from the garden, right? Yeah, according to scripture it does. But then Jesus comes into human history as God and lives a sinless life, dies on the cross and rises three days later conquering satan, sin & death so that through Him ALL will be reconciled to the Father through Him. This is what we learn in sunday school. Then a good friend of yours, pulls you aside and says, "Dude, I totally love Jesus and I have confessed that He is God, but I'm gay, bro. But I'm totally taken with the Grace of Jesus and it informs all of my life but I'm attracted to men. Am I still going to hell because I'm not straight?" I asked a christian dude who I respected and asked this authority figure of my gay christian buddy was going to hell. He told me to tell my bro that even though he loves Jesus his homosexualtiy nullifies the Grace that he has submitted himself to. I went to my buddy and after discussing this crazy concept that his conversion wasn't enough, he cried and then he told me to go fuck myself. He is now a proud atheist.

Left and Leaving: A Confession

It seems as though I'm always departing from or going to some place. Usually, it's because I have devastated the tranquility that comes with "living" somewhere through my selfish pursuits. This has, for a long time, been the pursuit of art in all it's many forms. It's not only art that I've pursued, but the idyllic posture of being involved and living in the culture of those who create. Then I got married.

In 2004, I started dating Margie. At this point in my life, I was a self proclaimed agnostic. Mainly because the God I served, did not serve me (this could be another 15 blog posts so I'll just leave it at that). We started talking on the phone, and then we never stopped. We started to weave this tapestry of ideas and detailed plans for the future. We'd live in NY. She'd be a filmmaker and I'd be a writer/musician. We both loved Jawbreaker. She turned me on to The Magnetic Fields and phone sex. The romanticism is enough to make you wanna puke. But this was a dream. I had convinced her that I was this successful person, that I wasn't. I convinced her that I was a laundry list of things, that I actually wasn't. She was taken with me. She lived in Virginia and I lived in Olympia at the time. We announced our undying love for one another and then I hopped on a greyhound and took the almost 5 day bus ride to Norfolk, VA.

I was enamored with Virginia. I thought it could be a beautiful mecca to help nurture my self-proclaimed artistic genius. Little did I know that it was a hell-hole. Or rather that I was a hell-bound asshole. She had talked me into going to Church. We found a church in Virginia Beach, VA called Crosscurrent and then began the tumultuous beginnings to what would amount to us proclaiming faith in Jesus. We lived through my many a jobless state, being carjacked and kidnapped at gun point, and then on June 9th, 2006 in the classic Zeke & Margie impromptu fashion, with my friend Nik Safos as a witness, we went to the Princess Anne county Courthouse and we got married in front of Nik and a justice of the peace. Six months later, we packed our bags and left for the west coast.

After our 4 day drive we arrived in Portland. I think Margie immediately realized how much she would hate it, and how hard I would try to be cool and make it work. I worked a plethora of jobs once again, with vague promises of stability that I could never capitalize on. I pressed forward, and she grew more and more frustrated. A year later, it all came to a financial breaking point and I accepted a job in Seattle. After all that was where I always wanted end up anyway. From the day I met my wife, all I could ever talk about was Seattle. So we left Portland and moved to Seattle.

Upon our arrival in Seattle, Margie was completely taken with the city, as was I. I was so happy to be in the most beautiful city I have EVER been. We continued to struggle. I went from job to job. Margie's frustration continued to escalate. I still made excuses. "Babe, I just haven't been given the right opportunity" or "I'm the victim here." She believed it for awhile, until she noticed the one constant throughout all of our turmoil: Me. She came to a tipping point. I heard things like "you're a fucking coward" and "you are ruining our lives." All I could do is nod in agreement. What could I do to convince her otherwise that I am a responsible man? Nothing. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. She says, "God told me to marry you and to stay by you no matter what."

For those of you who are not familiar with my wife and for those of you who do know her, it will come as no surprise that she is an honest, forthright, generous and unconditionally loving woman. For those of you who know me or don't know me, I am a miserable, sarcastic, condescending, prick. That's not self deprecation, that's just an honest look at who I am. What my wife showed me in that instant where she reminded me of all the shit I inevitably put her through, is the fact that through her, God has shown me Grace unmeasurable. Margie, should have left a long time ago. She had many opportunities, many a betrayal and many a sin committed against her.

Closing in on our third year of marriage I thank Jesus for her. I thank Jesus for the Grace He has given me in a Godly wife who loves and pursues me. I thank Jesus that He is making me into a man that loves, pursues & leads my wife who has demonstrated the Gospel to me.

Romans 5: 16-17

16And the free gift is not like the result of that one man’s sin. For(B) the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought(C) justification. 17For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness(D) reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ7