The Man in Me

As I have celebrated four years with my amazing wife, I have been considering and mulling over in what's left of my brain, the entire institution of marriage. When I call my wife amazing, I try my hardest not to merely pay lip service to her. That's just disrespectful. But, I do mean "amazing." I have put her through the ringer, and yes, I do take a considerable amount of, rightful -- credit for her emotional devastation. She, partnered with Jesus -- takes a lot of credit for stressing me out, giving me migraines, and day by day -- growing my immature ass up.

So, the question begs to be answered, "Who gives a fuck?" You don't, probably. I know I didn't, which is precisely the reasoning behind all the consideration of this institution of marriage. I also take pause to notice that all my buddies are either divorced, separated, or seriously considering divorce. The other interesting part, and the reason I actually give a shit, is that all these dudes are professing "Christians." This is troubling because there's this thing about Jesus that in a two-handed fashion bothers me and brings me peace. It's this fact that Christ gets in the shit with you as a Christian. Once you say "Jesus, I trust you," Jesus says, "A'ight, let's do this thing." This is regardless of all your dysfunctional bullshit that keeps coming up. I, personally, have a gigantic laundry list of stupid bullshit that Jesus is still dealing with. He endlessly, tirelessly, relentlessly pursues me and gets into it with me. This is not something I have pursued. Time and time again I have shouted "Fuck you, dude," and got outta dodge. Then He shows up, tells me He knows my shit, and he's gonna keep on walking with me.

This has astronomical implications on the state of marriage. Seriously? Five years and you're out? When Margie and I started this thing, I really had no idea how this was going to play out. Mainly because, I had/have so many bat-shit-crazy issues. I was always wondering how Christ was going to redeem this mess, but he is. He's teaching me how to love my wife. I still suck at it, but he's taking me through it. If you're a christian man, your wife is probably put there by God to teach you a bunch of shit you suck at, which is probably everything.

I'm troubled by dudes who proclaim Christ and abandon their wives. My dad did that. I'm scared shitless that I'm going to do that. I need Jesus to help me stick around and be a better husband. I need so much grace, and constantly.

I'm troubled for my brothers and myself.

Left and Leaving: A Confession

It seems as though I'm always departing from or going to some place. Usually, it's because I have devastated the tranquility that comes with "living" somewhere through my selfish pursuits. This has, for a long time, been the pursuit of art in all it's many forms. It's not only art that I've pursued, but the idyllic posture of being involved and living in the culture of those who create. Then I got married.

In 2004, I started dating Margie. At this point in my life, I was a self proclaimed agnostic. Mainly because the God I served, did not serve me (this could be another 15 blog posts so I'll just leave it at that). We started talking on the phone, and then we never stopped. We started to weave this tapestry of ideas and detailed plans for the future. We'd live in NY. She'd be a filmmaker and I'd be a writer/musician. We both loved Jawbreaker. She turned me on to The Magnetic Fields and phone sex. The romanticism is enough to make you wanna puke. But this was a dream. I had convinced her that I was this successful person, that I wasn't. I convinced her that I was a laundry list of things, that I actually wasn't. She was taken with me. She lived in Virginia and I lived in Olympia at the time. We announced our undying love for one another and then I hopped on a greyhound and took the almost 5 day bus ride to Norfolk, VA.

I was enamored with Virginia. I thought it could be a beautiful mecca to help nurture my self-proclaimed artistic genius. Little did I know that it was a hell-hole. Or rather that I was a hell-bound asshole. She had talked me into going to Church. We found a church in Virginia Beach, VA called Crosscurrent and then began the tumultuous beginnings to what would amount to us proclaiming faith in Jesus. We lived through my many a jobless state, being carjacked and kidnapped at gun point, and then on June 9th, 2006 in the classic Zeke & Margie impromptu fashion, with my friend Nik Safos as a witness, we went to the Princess Anne county Courthouse and we got married in front of Nik and a justice of the peace. Six months later, we packed our bags and left for the west coast.

After our 4 day drive we arrived in Portland. I think Margie immediately realized how much she would hate it, and how hard I would try to be cool and make it work. I worked a plethora of jobs once again, with vague promises of stability that I could never capitalize on. I pressed forward, and she grew more and more frustrated. A year later, it all came to a financial breaking point and I accepted a job in Seattle. After all that was where I always wanted end up anyway. From the day I met my wife, all I could ever talk about was Seattle. So we left Portland and moved to Seattle.

Upon our arrival in Seattle, Margie was completely taken with the city, as was I. I was so happy to be in the most beautiful city I have EVER been. We continued to struggle. I went from job to job. Margie's frustration continued to escalate. I still made excuses. "Babe, I just haven't been given the right opportunity" or "I'm the victim here." She believed it for awhile, until she noticed the one constant throughout all of our turmoil: Me. She came to a tipping point. I heard things like "you're a fucking coward" and "you are ruining our lives." All I could do is nod in agreement. What could I do to convince her otherwise that I am a responsible man? Nothing. Then she dropped the bombshell on me. She says, "God told me to marry you and to stay by you no matter what."

For those of you who are not familiar with my wife and for those of you who do know her, it will come as no surprise that she is an honest, forthright, generous and unconditionally loving woman. For those of you who know me or don't know me, I am a miserable, sarcastic, condescending, prick. That's not self deprecation, that's just an honest look at who I am. What my wife showed me in that instant where she reminded me of all the shit I inevitably put her through, is the fact that through her, God has shown me Grace unmeasurable. Margie, should have left a long time ago. She had many opportunities, many a betrayal and many a sin committed against her.

Closing in on our third year of marriage I thank Jesus for her. I thank Jesus for the Grace He has given me in a Godly wife who loves and pursues me. I thank Jesus that He is making me into a man that loves, pursues & leads my wife who has demonstrated the Gospel to me.

Romans 5: 16-17

16And the free gift is not like the result of that one man’s sin. For(B) the judgment following one trespass brought condemnation, but the free gift following many trespasses brought(C) justification. 17For if, because of one man’s trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness(D) reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ7